BROKEN, YET MIS-UNDERSTOOD

The house was beautiful, lush green lawns with every leaf blade perfectly arranged to ensure uniformity was maintained, the barks on the trees appeared rustic adding texture to the garden. In the far corner was a white metal swing placed under a shade overlooking the driveway. The large black gate stood tall as a barrier, many who walked by wished they could enter to have a glimpse of the splendour it held inside. A little girl lived there, she was perceived as lucky, beautiful and destined for greatness. The world was at her feet.

                    

The girl knew differently, she was taught hard work and kept pushing herself to be better with every task. The beautiful house lacked integral pieces that made the rooms feel cold and sad. The soft light beaming from the night stand that welcomes you in from a hard day's work was broken, the window shatters that protect against the violent winds which blew at night were rusted. Moreover, the floor boards would creek in distinct places as someone walked by and the TV was forever on, presenting a perfect escape from the reality that was. She told herself if I work so hard maybe the attention will finally shift from the TV to me, maybe I will get a pat on the back, maybe a carry hug and kiss, maybe a well done and a soft, “I am proud of you”, kind of statement. These maybes filled her mind and powered her drive to keep trying, yet the more she tried the fewer the accolades. She just could not seem to make it to the top position on the list of his priorities.

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Sports, music, art and high-end schools were at her disposal but there was no one on the sidelines cheering as she dribbled the ball down the pitch and scored, or as she acted on stage during the school play. With every success, no sooner did she get it, the feeling of "this is it", would sweep across her body only to realise it was not. This cycle repeated itself for years. She grew up, her interests shifted from Daddy can you see me to look at that cute boy. Girlfriends filled the space that was previously occupied by TV and shopping for shoes, handbags and dresses became a favourite pass time. Prying eyes, watchful neighbours and the ever-stalking boys next door entered her space. She was slowly becoming prey, her desire for knowledge and understanding of her being and environment was quickly replaced by feel good activities.

Her conscious mind soon stopped asking questions. Why cant you see me? Was replaced with I don't care. what happened? Became, nobody tells me anything. Did i do something wrong? Was quickly answered with, as you get older you will understand. When will you have time? Let's talk next week. Who will train & teach me? The teacher at school. The unsatisfactory answers that she received, whenever she tried to seek understanding and the broken promises slowly began to form rings around her soul. Rings of discontent, apathy and I don’t care. These experiences would bite large chunks of her dreams, self-confidence and ability to see beyond the rejection and disappointments life presented. She had become a weak species. A little sign of kindness and attention was quickly translated to love. A series of bad choices soon befell her. Her instincts had been seared over time. 😞

The inclusivity of the world today and the global movement has allowed borders to be more porous. Cultures and beliefs are no longer limited by boundaries. We are bombarded daily with different stimuli, calling us to be more understanding, gracious and accepting of situations. Phrases such as, ''she has daddy issues", "she is complicated", "she is so needy" amongst others, have been coined to group people and perhaps help make sense of their experiences. 

                        

What could she have done differently? Why was she not being seen? Why was she not a priority? Who did not play their part? Who defines these roles? And are they ever communicated? What better outcome could have resulted from such a journey? Who was wrong? And how can they make it right?

Sometimes the pains we all go through slowly but surely overrides our ability to dig deep and untie the rings that continue to tighten their grip around our souls. Statements such as "Bora Uhai loosely translated means as long as you’re alive, you are just fine" continues to push the narrative it is not so bad. Is that really the case? Is that all why we are here for? Should that sum up a life so illustrious, so beautiful, with so much potential?

As I write this, in foresight I’m wondering will my little ones expect me to have known better? Will answers such as nobody taught me be enough? Or words like, “I did not know?”, will they count?

Let us keep the conversation going in the comment section. What are your thoughts?  

Thanks for reading. 😊😊 Please Follow. 😊

Credits:
Model -  Hannah
Pictures - Crystal Perk Co. Ltd

...4 YEARS LATER!!! WHAT'S NEW?

My journey back to this space has been one of many uncertainties. Why did I stop blogging? Why did I start in the first place? What has happened in the last four years and why now? These are the questions that have kept me on the sidelines while I was watching in. I would stand on the banks of this raging river called the SOUL that yearns to flow freely charting its own path downstream. Yet, my feet would feel like they were cemented in place and my body would sway back and fourth as if taunting me and asking, "I jump? I go?''. My heart, forever emotional about everything would beat harder and louder, expanding and contracting trying to supply blood around my body but in actual fact was scared of all the unknowns that lay beneath the surface of the water.

Just jump! Try! What is the worst that can happen? These are some of the responses I would receive whenever I sought motivation and validation from others. Then they would leave and I was back where I started, staring at the screen and miraculously hoping the keyboard would read my mind as it transcribed my thoughts to the paper. None of that happened. As I sit here typing, a part of me is shouting don't do it! Or another urging me to keep writing. If I get to the end, then you'll know which part won.

The last four years have been very eventful, large milestones, disappointments, growth spurts, one more baby and lots of learning. To go through each one would require a sun-filled retreat at a boutique hotel with unlimited food and drinks to fully exhaust the past. So as we journey again together, like old friends who have not seen each other for ages, the stories of the past will find their way into our conversations and I am sure we will have moments for empathy, joy, sadness, a little envy and love to share. 

During my learning, I had numerous times when I wished there was a cheat sheet, but as life has it, one has to pass through every single little experience for themselves independently of others. Although situations may be similar and sometimes exact, we all process it in a manner that is unique to us. This allows us to add colour, depth, creativity, drama and uniqueness to this universe. 

The creation of this blog was as a result of a need to document my journey as a housewife -  at that time and mother to my daughter. My objective was that as she grew older and would face the challenges, joys, uncertainties, fears and doubts I go through as I raise her, she would have a reference point to help her navigate through her own journey. Back then this sounded so poetic and noble, however it is far from the true picture. It is so hard to be alert and aware of every experience I go through plus to keep re-living them especially the painful ones so that someone else may perhaps benefit from my journey. The easier option is to live life, hope your doing the right thing and trust that will be enough. 

        

 "...my kids they keep me on toes".😍😍

As I attempt this task again, this time as a wife, mother of two and an entrepreneur. The task ahead is more daunting than ever. On the other hand, what adventure stories will I share when I am old, with no teeth, wrinkled and expected to have wisdom by the upcoming generation?😕😕

I have found myself asking those who are older, how did you do this? or how did you guys nurture your marriage, when you were my age? Amongst many other questions, I am here to unravel the mystery called life. Some of my memories are sketchy, while others simply reply, "I do not remember", and many will also say, "Your experiences and situations are different from mine". All these are true, yet a feeling of I wish you could remember or had written it down somewhere would always linger inside me.

Why bother yet there are numerous books and resources available on Google that can help you with reflecting on the past and learning from other people? 

My answer remains, ''the depth and impact lasts longer when the person speaking/sharing or teaching is someone you can relate with."

So I invite you to join me on this journey, as I document the highs, lows, and in-betweens of living in  Mombasa as a wife, mother, entrepreneur, friend, big sister, confidant..... the list keeps growing.

Please Share and Subscribe.

I would like this platform to be inclusive & collaborative so please write to me if you would also like to share a piece of your life journey. 😊😊

Thanks for reading.

Photo Credits: Crystal Perk Co. Ltd
www.crystalperk.com

Death Of A Seed

The beauty of life lies in the mystery of the unknown, it is so powerful that it elicits numerous emotions with every passing minute, hour and day. These when summed up form the past and depending on how your life has unfolded, they are either sweet or bitter memories. Each new morning allows us to write a new past guided by the choices and actions we make. I look back at my recent past and I feel proud of myself for having successfully walked a path frequently traveled, yet for me it was my first time on this road.

As I listened to my guide confirm and instruct me on how to steer down this path, I vividly remember sitting with my best friend in that room and my reaction to all this information was, "say what now???".... I was in shock, my mind began to race as I tried to conceptualize the journey that lay ahead. The more I thought, the more I felt bombarded by emotions which lead to fear and countless questions such as; "who will hire me now?", "how will I look?", "what will i need for this trip?", "who will walk with me?" and "will I really make it to the end?".

Ready or not the journey had started, I needed to catch up if I intended to enjoy the scenery along the way. Physically I was moving but I felt emotionally stuck. I liked the previous paths I had traveled on, I knew them, I had worked so hard to adjust to the twists and turns. I was finally comfortable and although there were a few slow days, they were all relatively predictable. At this point I realized how much change scared me and that I REALLY loved myself. I was not ready to let go of my fitting jeans, flawless skin, high heels and narrow waistline.

As days went by the reality finally hit home. I was on a new path, the road was long, new experiences awaited me and I needed to decide how I was going to handle it. I choose to have fun, to read as much as I could to anticipate what lay ahead, to discover a new style and to make great memories along the way. 

I was blessed and realized just how miraculous it would be to get to the end and see my gift. Anxiety and anticipation became part of my day with thoughts such as; "what will be happening this week?", "am I staying healthy enough to keep going?", "what will my gift look like?", "if its not what I'm hoping for how will I react?", and "others have died on this path, will it happen to me?". These would be followed by feelings of excitement caused by the bond I was beginning to feel inside me, coupled with shopping and planning for the best way to receive my gift. 

Certain days were easier than others, I found myself at times standing and looking around to see if there was anything I could grab onto that would allow me to stay just a little longer in the past. Mirrors began to captivate me a lot more than they used, I would feel the person staring back at me was a stranger. My stomach developed an elastic limit i never knew i had, my hips discovered; clothes are made in many sizes and my feet grew to the point, out of all my shoes only one pair could fit. Every morning my reflection intently grabbed my attention leaving me feeling excited and perplexed all at the same time. 

The journey continued and we grew....

And grew some more....

The journey was coming to an end and i would find myself rubbing my belly regularly and wondering how the last day would feel like.

I wanted to meet my gift but at the same time i was afraid. Others had shared their experiences with me and i would listen keenly thereafter i would think, "that is so hard and painful". The frequency of my prayers increased as i felt my heart would break out of its cavity because of anxiety. A few days later i began to feel peaceful and surrendered, i was tired both physically and emotionally. I felt a strong urge to see the finish line and one morning it finally appeared. It lacked all the drama i had seen on TV and did not even mirror any of the other stories i had heard before. It was quiet, slow, with mild discomfort that i kept second guessing if it was the actual finish line or a pseudo-line. Unsure i opted to go see my guide and upon arrival he confirmed the end had reached. He offered to assist my body by inducing drugs which caused me so much agony my back felt like it would snap in two. Waves of pain and relief followed and at about 2:30 in the morning it all came to an end. My gift appeared and she made herself presence known by crying. Disbelief overwhelmed me, i had survived and there was a mini me. We named her Maya Denise.

.......Unless a kernel of  wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds! To gain that which you truly desire something always has to give, so go for it confidently knowing you will be expected to sacrifice, discover new elastic limits, overcome fears, plan and above all decide to enjoy the journey.

Inside Man

As the days go by in life we are faced by different circumstances; some make us stronger, others open our eyes to what is really important, some remind us to be grateful, while others can make us bitter and sad. All these are stored somewhere in our minds and when similar situations emerge again in our lives, we draw strength from such times to overcome the new challenge. I found this concept very interesting as i went through some of my moments that were captured and frozen in time. I realized as i intently looked at the picture the person staring back at me was not entirely the same person i am today. The physical features appeared relatively the same but as i remembered the story behind the still moment i could feel the changes that had occured over time.



I realized most of the changes we go through affect our inner being more than our outward appearance and it diifers between persons and from one situation to another. Life cuts into us on a daily basis slowly eating away the hope of realizing dreams, the confidence gathered over the years from the victorious days and the faith to believe that better days lie ahead. In most cases leaving one empty, discouraged and almost lifeless.

This year for me has had several days where i have felt like this, the horizon is expansive yet to me it looked bleak. As i stood to observe my situation i noticed people would pass by, capture still moments and continue with their journey.My inside man would remain tourtured by the desire to belong and be part of the convoy that seemed to be going somewhere yet the more i tried the more it hurt. It was easier to adopt the "ce qui sera sera - whatever will be will be" mentality only to discover that too was not sustainable. I refused to continue existing and wanted to live again.

My inside man realized just as the lonely tree in the middle of the nowhere; it continued to thrive because of its deep roots. I too needed to dig deeper to draw nutrients from my own root system if i was to thrive as well. This allowed me to push past all the hopeless feelings and re-examine my situation through a fresh pair of eyes that were thoroughly washed with gratitude. It is not easy to have the inside man happy and healthy always yet he is such an integral part of your being. The next time life threatens to rob you of joy, purpose and hope; remind yourself of the extensive root system you posses within, dig deep, lift your head high, and keep facing forward.

....He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion....

  

Minus A Rib

He takes in his first breathe just like she does,

Doctors and nurses sigh in relief and broad smiles stretch across their faces,

Congratulations and well-done mum follow as she is handed her son to hold,

Mixed feelings of joy, unbelief, excitement and fatigue overwhelm her,

Pride and a deep sense of protection fill the father's heart,

He needs to be cleaned and mummy needs to rest,

Minus a rib his journey begins.

She names him and begins to nurse the miracle in her hands,
He ensures they are both comfortable and praises his wife,
Soon they are deemed healthy and home they go,
Uncertain of the details, they embrace parenthood and vow to give their best,
She is peaceful while he is hopeful to provide for them,
Minus a rib one sleeps, the other takes pride in his family.


Days go by quickly and growth is evident,
Junior is crying less, playing more and giving toothless smiles,
Paternal leave is over while mum learns to manage at home,
He returns to work; pressure, politics and deadlines greet him,
His mind, heart and soul are consumed with the new responsibilities,
Minus a rib he is determined to give his family the best.


The change is drastic forcing them to develop new routines,
In his quiet moments worry and fear threatened to steal his peace,
Their needs have increased but his salary is constant,
Past failures and experiences terrorize his conscious,
His desire to be a great dad is put to test,
Minus a rib he fights to be strong for his family.


She knows he is giving his best but her emotions at times override her mind,
Her fears and insecurities stimulate her tear glands as she shares with him,
He too is afraid of the unknown but he puts aside his fears to comfort her,
The society intently watches him to see if he will meet the high unsaid expectations they have,
He feels their stares, hears their murmurs and sees their judging faces,
Minus a rib he prays for strength and wisdom to make right choices.


He tries to seek counsel from friends to help shoulder his load,
Some are jealous or envious of his milestones and begin to mislead him,
In his absence they gossip, mock and predict his failure,
Others are honest and offer to walk the journey with him,
They share their own failures and experiences to encourage him to keep going,
Minus a rib he seeks support to share his burdens.

The scenarios are endless yet the men and boy child in your lives need to respected and supported. You have expectations, society has expectations and themselves they have expectations. They will make mistakes, disappoint us or even abandon us. This makes them humans who made bad choices and that's on them. After many sessions of why? how could he? tears and anger, i tried to imagine life from their view. Though my view as depicted here may not be accurate i found this exercise gave me some sort of understanding and allowed me to choose forgiveness and grace because I too need the same. The questions do not stop after such a choice but it opens up room for peace to take root.


"Let's all try go through life with minimal damage and destruction to each other because our choices and actions will be felt many generations later even after we are gone!!!!"

By The Fire Place

Story telling is a beautiful art which when effectively executed leaves the reader or listener stimulated emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My extremely short but growing writing hobby has allowed me to learn that a diverse audience forces the story teller to grow and become better with time. It requires talent, skills and vast knowledge to incorporate the various preferences of a broad audience. I look forward to realize this as I continue to journal the chronicles.

The season was peace and tranquility, everything in my life seemed to be going just the way I wanted. School at the time was fine, the lectures began to make sense, and friendships with fellow students started growing. My social life changed from being an argument ignition in the house to a healthy young adult phase of life. It was pure bliss on the outside and I even convinced myself that everything was perfect yet there was a deep longing in my heart.


Days turned into weeks, the bliss continued to fill the air like blossoming flowers during spring. As I spent time with friends and acquaintances sharing our struggles and victories I could not help feeling I'm truly in a good place right now. The deep longing in my heart did not agree with my feeling and it kept tagging on my subconscious. The more I ignored it the louder it seemed to become.



I decided to indulge in the areas of my life that were working by investing a lot of time and money. The aim of this was to fully exhaust myself so as to avoid thinking about my nagging subconscious. The days I did not have much to do I replaced them with endless hours of movie after movie. In my reality I was enjoying myself, relaxing and keeping up with the block busters but looking back on it today I was doing everything I could to escape.



My subconscious refused to be sheared without a fight and soon started attracting reinforcement. This came in the form of a Jehovah witness friend, she began to teach and invite me to their meetings. I attended about two different forums and quickly felt this is not for me. However she managed to impart knowledge that would later lead me to a road of discovery and great adventure.



Many countries in Africa are considered as low-to-middle income countries because of all the poverty, disease, insecurity and poor systems yet it contains majority of the world's religious population. With this in mind, I ask "where is the disconnect?" As I toured different parts of the world I met people who had the same question, and some of their opinions were "Africans need to believe in something bigger than themselves because of all the problems we face as a continent." I strongly disagreed with this although I was not always so passionate about this topic.



As I travelled down the road of discovery I noticed a guy who intrigued me with all the mystery he portrayed. His lifestyle seemed to go against the current, while everybody walked or took a bus to school he would rollerblade, when the other guys had conservative haircuts, his was accompanied with a bright coloured braid at the nape of his neck. His clothes were well coordinated with matching hats to compliment the tshirt and once class was over he would quickly disappear with no time for small talk. I became curious about him and was soon introduced by a mutual friend.



We then formed the dynamic trio always together for class, lunch and study group. As I got to know this guy my image of him began to change we could not seem to agree, our backgrounds were completely opposite like night and day; this put a strain in our trio although it didn't not last too long. Our mutual friend changed courses and I was stuck with this guy. After months of working together the walls I surrounded myself with began to break and were replaced with genuine friendship and concern.



One Monday morning he came and said, "I want to grow my hair!!". I was shocked and quickly began to educate him on how such a venture would lead him straight to hell because I had heard God was against it. I condemned the poor soul passionately and all he did was listen patiently. Once I finished he comments,"where is that scripture in the bible?". I was completely thrown off because I did not know which scripture it was, all I knew was it must be there because I had heard from someone else. My pride could not let me lose this battle I quickly said, "I will find out and let you know".



My adventure began of searching for this scripture and since I had no clue where to start I called the only person I knew with vast knowledge of scripture, my Jehovah witness friend and she did not disappoint. Armed with proof I returned to this guy and told him of my findings, he listened and dampened all my efforts with a response of "okay!!". I did not let that put me down I had won so I thought. Approximately two weeks later he re-introduces this topic and says,"I studied the scripture, found others and ....." The dotted line is because I didn't hear beyond that I was lost at "I studied the scripture". Remember my description of him, in my mind I would never have associated him with a bible let alone him studying it.



After the shock wore off he offered to introduce me to a friend of his, a lady who could teach me
about the bible. I agreed because I knew I also had knowledge and we could go argue our points. Two meetings later with this lady there was no arguing in fact I felt she was cutting bits and pieces of my life yet all we did was read scripture. I opted to stop these meetings my life was in the peace and tranquility season and this lady's classes were cramping my style so I thought. Many months passed I maintained the friendships and began asking this guy biblical related questions. One day I felt I just wanted to know the end of the story, so I called the lady and said, "I want to know the end of the story".



She taught me and every meeting the calling of the bible was higher than the last meeting, it was fascinating, scary yet very fulfilling. I finished, made a decision and the longing in my heart was satisfied. The guy continued to be my friend, we challenge each other in more areas including scripture and today that guy is MY HUBBY.

For those who are in Africa or countries with a lot of religious people, let us address the disconnect. It is not enough to be known as a religious person or nation, transformation must accompany your faith irrespective of the denomination, culture or tribe. There are many whose hearts could be longing like mine, share your stories and live up to what you profess. Actions have always spoken louder than words. THE END

Unearth the hidden you

Writing from the soul can be really draining and if you are a perfectionist like me; competing with self  to out do yourself makes the process even harder but once complete it is always refreshing. As I was growing up I noticed kitchen appliances became more readily available. In every five homes i visited at least two owned a microwave and I vividly remember my brother and I begging my mum for months to get us one. We believed it was one of the best inventions ever made. After months of hinting and complaining of how tedious it was to warm food; alas! the microwave came.

The hunger strikes forced by the fear of washing saucepans seized and the new reality of food being ready within minutes by pressing a button filled our hearts with joy.












With this in mind, the microwave concept seems to have stretched beyond food to real life. Patience has been replaced with words like "pap!", "stat", "ASAP" and "I want it NOW". Common courtesies such as "please", "thank you" and "I'm sorry " are quickly becoming extinct. The hunger strikes have transformed into "personal drive" and "whatever it takes attitudes". All of these I believe have their time and place but with every passing day the boundary lines are becoming faint, masks are the coping mechanisms and consequences of such actions begin to plague our conscious.

I must say I'm not writing from a point of strength I too get caught up in the rat race but after a few endless laps, fatigue and no tangible results I find myself questioning this method. The harder I see people push the higher the bar rises this applies to job requirements, education credentials and living standards yet family values, morals and quality of life keeps declining. When i think about this reality hopelessness and discouragement threaten to grip my heart. The phrase, "I don't like to be left behind" is one I use a lot but I'm feeling it is slowly losing meaning. In this life there will always be someone ahead of you with a better job, better house, more credentials and whatever else you may desire but there is hope STOP CHASING and MAKE YOUR OWN.

This is the method I am applying now but since it is relatively new to me the results are yet to be seen although I can confirm the pressure I'd feel in the rat race has reduced. It is harder because you need to truly discover who you are and what makes you tick. It requires more energy to be content with what you have, patient as you look for something better and hopeful through it all. It involves choosing daily to do the right thing and persevere in the tunnel as you wait to see the light. For those in relationships or aspiring it requires wisdom to build the house, understanding to establish it and knowledge to fill its rooms with rare and beautiful treasures.

Don't settle for the number two position by wanting to be like someone else or have what they have, be willing to do the work, avoid the microwave syndrome and choose number one. Dig deep within you, bring your talents and abilities to the surface we all have something unique to contribute to the world. 

Do the work and become the best version of you. Diversity brings wealth!!!!