Death Of A Seed

The beauty of life lies in the mystery of the unknown, it is so powerful that it elicits numerous emotions with every passing minute, hour and day. These when summed up form the past and depending on how your life has unfolded, they are either sweet or bitter memories. Each new morning allows us to write a new past guided by the choices and actions we make. I look back at my recent past and I feel proud of myself for having successfully walked a path frequently traveled, yet for me it was my first time on this road.

As I listened to my guide confirm and instruct me on how to steer down this path, I vividly remember sitting with my best friend in that room and my reaction to all this information was, "say what now???".... I was in shock, my mind began to race as I tried to conceptualize the journey that lay ahead. The more I thought, the more I felt bombarded by emotions which lead to fear and countless questions such as; "who will hire me now?", "how will I look?", "what will i need for this trip?", "who will walk with me?" and "will I really make it to the end?".

Ready or not the journey had started, I needed to catch up if I intended to enjoy the scenery along the way. Physically I was moving but I felt emotionally stuck. I liked the previous paths I had traveled on, I knew them, I had worked so hard to adjust to the twists and turns. I was finally comfortable and although there were a few slow days, they were all relatively predictable. At this point I realized how much change scared me and that I REALLY loved myself. I was not ready to let go of my fitting jeans, flawless skin, high heels and narrow waistline.

As days went by the reality finally hit home. I was on a new path, the road was long, new experiences awaited me and I needed to decide how I was going to handle it. I choose to have fun, to read as much as I could to anticipate what lay ahead, to discover a new style and to make great memories along the way. 

I was blessed and realized just how miraculous it would be to get to the end and see my gift. Anxiety and anticipation became part of my day with thoughts such as; "what will be happening this week?", "am I staying healthy enough to keep going?", "what will my gift look like?", "if its not what I'm hoping for how will I react?", and "others have died on this path, will it happen to me?". These would be followed by feelings of excitement caused by the bond I was beginning to feel inside me, coupled with shopping and planning for the best way to receive my gift. 

Certain days were easier than others, I found myself at times standing and looking around to see if there was anything I could grab onto that would allow me to stay just a little longer in the past. Mirrors began to captivate me a lot more than they used, I would feel the person staring back at me was a stranger. My stomach developed an elastic limit i never knew i had, my hips discovered; clothes are made in many sizes and my feet grew to the point, out of all my shoes only one pair could fit. Every morning my reflection intently grabbed my attention leaving me feeling excited and perplexed all at the same time. 

The journey continued and we grew....

And grew some more....

The journey was coming to an end and i would find myself rubbing my belly regularly and wondering how the last day would feel like.

I wanted to meet my gift but at the same time i was afraid. Others had shared their experiences with me and i would listen keenly thereafter i would think, "that is so hard and painful". The frequency of my prayers increased as i felt my heart would break out of its cavity because of anxiety. A few days later i began to feel peaceful and surrendered, i was tired both physically and emotionally. I felt a strong urge to see the finish line and one morning it finally appeared. It lacked all the drama i had seen on TV and did not even mirror any of the other stories i had heard before. It was quiet, slow, with mild discomfort that i kept second guessing if it was the actual finish line or a pseudo-line. Unsure i opted to go see my guide and upon arrival he confirmed the end had reached. He offered to assist my body by inducing drugs which caused me so much agony my back felt like it would snap in two. Waves of pain and relief followed and at about 2:30 in the morning it all came to an end. My gift appeared and she made herself presence known by crying. Disbelief overwhelmed me, i had survived and there was a mini me. We named her Maya Denise.

.......Unless a kernel of  wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds! To gain that which you truly desire something always has to give, so go for it confidently knowing you will be expected to sacrifice, discover new elastic limits, overcome fears, plan and above all decide to enjoy the journey.