Inside Man

As the days go by in life we are faced by different circumstances; some make us stronger, others open our eyes to what is really important, some remind us to be grateful, while others can make us bitter and sad. All these are stored somewhere in our minds and when similar situations emerge again in our lives, we draw strength from such times to overcome the new challenge. I found this concept very interesting as i went through some of my moments that were captured and frozen in time. I realized as i intently looked at the picture the person staring back at me was not entirely the same person i am today. The physical features appeared relatively the same but as i remembered the story behind the still moment i could feel the changes that had occured over time.



I realized most of the changes we go through affect our inner being more than our outward appearance and it diifers between persons and from one situation to another. Life cuts into us on a daily basis slowly eating away the hope of realizing dreams, the confidence gathered over the years from the victorious days and the faith to believe that better days lie ahead. In most cases leaving one empty, discouraged and almost lifeless.

This year for me has had several days where i have felt like this, the horizon is expansive yet to me it looked bleak. As i stood to observe my situation i noticed people would pass by, capture still moments and continue with their journey.My inside man would remain tourtured by the desire to belong and be part of the convoy that seemed to be going somewhere yet the more i tried the more it hurt. It was easier to adopt the "ce qui sera sera - whatever will be will be" mentality only to discover that too was not sustainable. I refused to continue existing and wanted to live again.

My inside man realized just as the lonely tree in the middle of the nowhere; it continued to thrive because of its deep roots. I too needed to dig deeper to draw nutrients from my own root system if i was to thrive as well. This allowed me to push past all the hopeless feelings and re-examine my situation through a fresh pair of eyes that were thoroughly washed with gratitude. It is not easy to have the inside man happy and healthy always yet he is such an integral part of your being. The next time life threatens to rob you of joy, purpose and hope; remind yourself of the extensive root system you posses within, dig deep, lift your head high, and keep facing forward.

....He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion....

  

Minus A Rib

He takes in his first breathe just like she does,

Doctors and nurses sigh in relief and broad smiles stretch across their faces,

Congratulations and well-done mum follow as she is handed her son to hold,

Mixed feelings of joy, unbelief, excitement and fatigue overwhelm her,

Pride and a deep sense of protection fill the father's heart,

He needs to be cleaned and mummy needs to rest,

Minus a rib his journey begins.

She names him and begins to nurse the miracle in her hands,
He ensures they are both comfortable and praises his wife,
Soon they are deemed healthy and home they go,
Uncertain of the details, they embrace parenthood and vow to give their best,
She is peaceful while he is hopeful to provide for them,
Minus a rib one sleeps, the other takes pride in his family.


Days go by quickly and growth is evident,
Junior is crying less, playing more and giving toothless smiles,
Paternal leave is over while mum learns to manage at home,
He returns to work; pressure, politics and deadlines greet him,
His mind, heart and soul are consumed with the new responsibilities,
Minus a rib he is determined to give his family the best.


The change is drastic forcing them to develop new routines,
In his quiet moments worry and fear threatened to steal his peace,
Their needs have increased but his salary is constant,
Past failures and experiences terrorize his conscious,
His desire to be a great dad is put to test,
Minus a rib he fights to be strong for his family.


She knows he is giving his best but her emotions at times override her mind,
Her fears and insecurities stimulate her tear glands as she shares with him,
He too is afraid of the unknown but he puts aside his fears to comfort her,
The society intently watches him to see if he will meet the high unsaid expectations they have,
He feels their stares, hears their murmurs and sees their judging faces,
Minus a rib he prays for strength and wisdom to make right choices.


He tries to seek counsel from friends to help shoulder his load,
Some are jealous or envious of his milestones and begin to mislead him,
In his absence they gossip, mock and predict his failure,
Others are honest and offer to walk the journey with him,
They share their own failures and experiences to encourage him to keep going,
Minus a rib he seeks support to share his burdens.

The scenarios are endless yet the men and boy child in your lives need to respected and supported. You have expectations, society has expectations and themselves they have expectations. They will make mistakes, disappoint us or even abandon us. This makes them humans who made bad choices and that's on them. After many sessions of why? how could he? tears and anger, i tried to imagine life from their view. Though my view as depicted here may not be accurate i found this exercise gave me some sort of understanding and allowed me to choose forgiveness and grace because I too need the same. The questions do not stop after such a choice but it opens up room for peace to take root.


"Let's all try go through life with minimal damage and destruction to each other because our choices and actions will be felt many generations later even after we are gone!!!!"

By The Fire Place

Story telling is a beautiful art which when effectively executed leaves the reader or listener stimulated emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My extremely short but growing writing hobby has allowed me to learn that a diverse audience forces the story teller to grow and become better with time. It requires talent, skills and vast knowledge to incorporate the various preferences of a broad audience. I look forward to realize this as I continue to journal the chronicles.

The season was peace and tranquility, everything in my life seemed to be going just the way I wanted. School at the time was fine, the lectures began to make sense, and friendships with fellow students started growing. My social life changed from being an argument ignition in the house to a healthy young adult phase of life. It was pure bliss on the outside and I even convinced myself that everything was perfect yet there was a deep longing in my heart.


Days turned into weeks, the bliss continued to fill the air like blossoming flowers during spring. As I spent time with friends and acquaintances sharing our struggles and victories I could not help feeling I'm truly in a good place right now. The deep longing in my heart did not agree with my feeling and it kept tagging on my subconscious. The more I ignored it the louder it seemed to become.



I decided to indulge in the areas of my life that were working by investing a lot of time and money. The aim of this was to fully exhaust myself so as to avoid thinking about my nagging subconscious. The days I did not have much to do I replaced them with endless hours of movie after movie. In my reality I was enjoying myself, relaxing and keeping up with the block busters but looking back on it today I was doing everything I could to escape.



My subconscious refused to be sheared without a fight and soon started attracting reinforcement. This came in the form of a Jehovah witness friend, she began to teach and invite me to their meetings. I attended about two different forums and quickly felt this is not for me. However she managed to impart knowledge that would later lead me to a road of discovery and great adventure.



Many countries in Africa are considered as low-to-middle income countries because of all the poverty, disease, insecurity and poor systems yet it contains majority of the world's religious population. With this in mind, I ask "where is the disconnect?" As I toured different parts of the world I met people who had the same question, and some of their opinions were "Africans need to believe in something bigger than themselves because of all the problems we face as a continent." I strongly disagreed with this although I was not always so passionate about this topic.



As I travelled down the road of discovery I noticed a guy who intrigued me with all the mystery he portrayed. His lifestyle seemed to go against the current, while everybody walked or took a bus to school he would rollerblade, when the other guys had conservative haircuts, his was accompanied with a bright coloured braid at the nape of his neck. His clothes were well coordinated with matching hats to compliment the tshirt and once class was over he would quickly disappear with no time for small talk. I became curious about him and was soon introduced by a mutual friend.



We then formed the dynamic trio always together for class, lunch and study group. As I got to know this guy my image of him began to change we could not seem to agree, our backgrounds were completely opposite like night and day; this put a strain in our trio although it didn't not last too long. Our mutual friend changed courses and I was stuck with this guy. After months of working together the walls I surrounded myself with began to break and were replaced with genuine friendship and concern.



One Monday morning he came and said, "I want to grow my hair!!". I was shocked and quickly began to educate him on how such a venture would lead him straight to hell because I had heard God was against it. I condemned the poor soul passionately and all he did was listen patiently. Once I finished he comments,"where is that scripture in the bible?". I was completely thrown off because I did not know which scripture it was, all I knew was it must be there because I had heard from someone else. My pride could not let me lose this battle I quickly said, "I will find out and let you know".



My adventure began of searching for this scripture and since I had no clue where to start I called the only person I knew with vast knowledge of scripture, my Jehovah witness friend and she did not disappoint. Armed with proof I returned to this guy and told him of my findings, he listened and dampened all my efforts with a response of "okay!!". I did not let that put me down I had won so I thought. Approximately two weeks later he re-introduces this topic and says,"I studied the scripture, found others and ....." The dotted line is because I didn't hear beyond that I was lost at "I studied the scripture". Remember my description of him, in my mind I would never have associated him with a bible let alone him studying it.



After the shock wore off he offered to introduce me to a friend of his, a lady who could teach me
about the bible. I agreed because I knew I also had knowledge and we could go argue our points. Two meetings later with this lady there was no arguing in fact I felt she was cutting bits and pieces of my life yet all we did was read scripture. I opted to stop these meetings my life was in the peace and tranquility season and this lady's classes were cramping my style so I thought. Many months passed I maintained the friendships and began asking this guy biblical related questions. One day I felt I just wanted to know the end of the story, so I called the lady and said, "I want to know the end of the story".



She taught me and every meeting the calling of the bible was higher than the last meeting, it was fascinating, scary yet very fulfilling. I finished, made a decision and the longing in my heart was satisfied. The guy continued to be my friend, we challenge each other in more areas including scripture and today that guy is MY HUBBY.

For those who are in Africa or countries with a lot of religious people, let us address the disconnect. It is not enough to be known as a religious person or nation, transformation must accompany your faith irrespective of the denomination, culture or tribe. There are many whose hearts could be longing like mine, share your stories and live up to what you profess. Actions have always spoken louder than words. THE END

Unearth the hidden you

Writing from the soul can be really draining and if you are a perfectionist like me; competing with self  to out do yourself makes the process even harder but once complete it is always refreshing. As I was growing up I noticed kitchen appliances became more readily available. In every five homes i visited at least two owned a microwave and I vividly remember my brother and I begging my mum for months to get us one. We believed it was one of the best inventions ever made. After months of hinting and complaining of how tedious it was to warm food; alas! the microwave came.

The hunger strikes forced by the fear of washing saucepans seized and the new reality of food being ready within minutes by pressing a button filled our hearts with joy.












With this in mind, the microwave concept seems to have stretched beyond food to real life. Patience has been replaced with words like "pap!", "stat", "ASAP" and "I want it NOW". Common courtesies such as "please", "thank you" and "I'm sorry " are quickly becoming extinct. The hunger strikes have transformed into "personal drive" and "whatever it takes attitudes". All of these I believe have their time and place but with every passing day the boundary lines are becoming faint, masks are the coping mechanisms and consequences of such actions begin to plague our conscious.

I must say I'm not writing from a point of strength I too get caught up in the rat race but after a few endless laps, fatigue and no tangible results I find myself questioning this method. The harder I see people push the higher the bar rises this applies to job requirements, education credentials and living standards yet family values, morals and quality of life keeps declining. When i think about this reality hopelessness and discouragement threaten to grip my heart. The phrase, "I don't like to be left behind" is one I use a lot but I'm feeling it is slowly losing meaning. In this life there will always be someone ahead of you with a better job, better house, more credentials and whatever else you may desire but there is hope STOP CHASING and MAKE YOUR OWN.

This is the method I am applying now but since it is relatively new to me the results are yet to be seen although I can confirm the pressure I'd feel in the rat race has reduced. It is harder because you need to truly discover who you are and what makes you tick. It requires more energy to be content with what you have, patient as you look for something better and hopeful through it all. It involves choosing daily to do the right thing and persevere in the tunnel as you wait to see the light. For those in relationships or aspiring it requires wisdom to build the house, understanding to establish it and knowledge to fill its rooms with rare and beautiful treasures.

Don't settle for the number two position by wanting to be like someone else or have what they have, be willing to do the work, avoid the microwave syndrome and choose number one. Dig deep within you, bring your talents and abilities to the surface we all have something unique to contribute to the world. 

Do the work and become the best version of you. Diversity brings wealth!!!!

Miss & Mr......

Discipline and consistency are known to be the differentiating factors between those who start projects and those who leave legacies behind. I want to be in the latter group but truth be told it does not come naturally to me, everyday is an uphill struggle. Sometimes I find myself hoping to find a short cut and the more I look for it the clearer it becomes, there is no short cut. All the "power thoughts" and inspirational quotes I have read seem to carry the same message, "hardwork pays". It is with this spirit that I lift my head high, flex my fingers and continue to journal the chronicles.

Most people including myself would like to be viewed as an individual with unique qualities instead of being grouped together and described with general statements. This extends to the experiences we have as we journey on and since there is nothing new under the sun, someone, somewhere has definitely gone through it before. These people maybe family, friends or even strangers. The circumstances could be similar, at times even identical but the personal experience is unique to the individual. 

       

 

Child birth, parenting, exams, working and office politics are a few examples of common situations almost everyone can relate with. We each react differently so when sharing experiences I'm training myself to consider the environment, emotions, timing, tone of voice and the impact of my words. This is to stop me from extrapolating my experiences and generalizing them for everyone. Life unlike tossing a coin has many outcomes it is therefore unfair to expect others to react and respond to situations the way I do. 

This is easier said than done yet significantly impacts friendships negatively and soon tags like "miss know it all",  "mr. fix it", "miss i've been there", "mr. i know how you feel" and "miss do it like me" begin to be associated with you. Slowly less people want to be around you, shallow friendships and plastics smiles become the norm. Don't settle for such standards let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, share our experiences without forcing them on others and leave room for the individual to make a choice without the guilt trip. 

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."Ralph Emerson

   

White Canvas

Mother's Day was recently celebrated across the globe and it was refreshing to see how people took time to appreciate their moms. For me this was my first Mother's Day as a wife and for my mum her first with a "son-in-love" as she calls him. As we spent time together I began to feel a deep sense of admiration swell up in my heart as she told us about the different chapters that shaped her life. Later that evening I pondered over her words and realized how privileged I was to be a brush stroke on her white canvas.

We spend nine months growing in their wombs afterwards we are born and each get a white canvas. They nurture, care, provide and protect us the best way they know and all these moments form the various brushes on our canvas'. As we get older we discover colors, paint brushes, erasers and pencils that inspire us to draw on our own. Each new experience is marked by a brush stroke; happy times are characterized by distinct, clean and steady strokes while the sad times appear as thick blobs of paint on the canvas. On my canvas the neutral colors represent the moments my mum has comforted, reassured and helped me draw especially during those times I felt I knew better.

It's been slightly over two decades now since I got my white canvas. With a glance i notice strokes that were painted without putting much thought; others that began with a dream that guided me through the strokes and few outstanding pieces appear that were inspired by the lives of others. Each of these strokes fill my mind with the events and memories that lead up to their existence. A broad smile stretches across my face when I remember my courtship days which have now formed an outstanding piece on my canvas.

The wedding planning was tiresome and had some frustrating moments but it was also the only time I saw so many friends and family joyfully come together to celebrate me. This kind of love and concern easily carries one to utopia. Honeymoon gateways add to the utopia feeling but as life has it, this too comes to an end. With her arms stretched wide open, reality awaits to embrace and welcome you from utopia. Her embrace for me was gentle and my reality came in a special way with a white canvas at the door for my footprints to symbolize my entry into my new home. Once inside my hubby says, "baby paint whatever you want this is ours".

Life only gives us one white canvas. DON'T let fear and uncertainties stop you from painting, dream and surround yourself with all kinds of stationery. Keep mum close as you'll need her to soften the
blobs of paint and allow yourself to learn from others....wisdom is in the streets!!!

Whispers and Flames

Nurturing anything new takes a lot of time and effort, the same principle applies to my newly found "blogging muscles". I find the joy of friendship is best felt when we are together sharing stories, experiences, painful moments and lots of laughter. During such times I rarely get to pay attention to the background noise, my inner voice or the whispers. I am fully engaged in the conversations, food and the relaxing ambience of each other.

Though like everything in life, such times must come to an end and the conversations soon turn to "goodbyes", "get home safely" among other neceities that express gratitude, appreciation and love. Once the cheerful noise fades and the feelings elicited by the time spent together pass, the whispers begin to get louder. 

They range from the positive words of wisdom passed down to us by our family members to the experiences and opinions shared by our friends and acquaintances. The background noise is still, my inner voice is murmuring and I begin to be consumed with whispers like," I shouldn't have done that...", " can I really do it?", "what will people think?", and my favorite whisper is "Hannah jostle!!!" as my brother would say.

We engage in numerous conversations during the course of our journey and as time has it, the more it passes the harder it becomes to remember each conversation. Life carries mystery, hope, love, anxiety and sometimes fear all of which have a way of catching up with us. When they do it causes a drastic shift to our worlds as we know it. This for me is followed by a deep longing to remember every conversation ever heard, moment spent and jokes shared but my memory fails me. It is only the extraordinary punch lines, courageous moments and rib cracking jokes that stay with me. 

Those are the moments that ignite our flame in each others lives and it's only when i purpose to scratch the surface of life, that my flame can continue to live on in others even after I am gone.

Don't just live, ignite a FLAME!!!!!

Turning the page

Trying something new is always accompanied with mixed feelings; will I succeed or will I fall flat on my face? Starting this blog was no different but with a few power thoughts I find myself writing;"after all what is the worst thing that can happen?" as my mum always says.

The journey of life is made up of many pages which form different chapters. I recently started a new chapter in my journey and turning the page was an emotional path accompanied with a lot of changes including status, name and geographical location. The funny thing about this situation is that I choose it and although I had over 10 months to get ready, it felt like I walked through a door which lead to a slippery floor and everything around the hallway was on free fall mode. I must say though the steps I took towards this door were full of pomp, glamour and celebrity style celebrations. 

Such highs rarely last very long and i quickly woke up in a new town, empty house and with a husband. The page was turned and the writing needed to begin. Overwhelmed with the responsibility of converting a space into a home coupled with the "people's opinions" of how a wife should behave I felt paralyzed. I missed my life yet this was it, everyday felt like I was chasing to catch up with what had now become my life. The change felt drastic with one minute I'm studying abroad, traveling the world and hoping for a very fulfilling career in the health sector; and the next minute I'm sitting in my house developing a new routine. Though in reality this change took months to happen emotionally it felt like it all happened within the hour.

Five months down the road the lines on my page are slowly filling up with words. I somehow caught up with my new life, it is full of great experiences and new discoveries. Just like any journey the road unwinds as you keep moving forward. My journey has just started in this new chapter and the pages will continue to turn as I move forward. So far i have learned that change however good or bad is accompanied with a spiral of emotions and only when they subside can I get to see the opportunity. In this case it has allowed me to discover a new hobby and has brought forth the "Chronicles of a coastal housewife".